Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
