There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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