hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
