He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
