apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Randomize
