i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
