hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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