Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
