I am midnight drunk by noon
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
