DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
