drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
