My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
