someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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