i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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