you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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