Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
