Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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