he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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