Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
