He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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