don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
