I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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