i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
