Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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