You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
