Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
