Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
