Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
