every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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