if you like me you must not know who I am
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
