Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
