dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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