my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
