if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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