Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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