He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
