Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
