you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
