You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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