you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
