i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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