i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
