clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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