My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
