She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
