You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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