it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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