Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
