Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
