I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
