alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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