When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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