Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
