im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
