sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
